Vickie Shufton: How to raise a child on a shoestring budget in a post

Advocates for ideas and draws conclusions based on the interpretation of facts and data.

It appears that we owe Rep. Lauren Boebert a debt of thanks for recently informing us that raising a child is less expensive than paying for birth control.

Women across the country for whom abortion is now unavailable due to Roe v. Wade's demise (which Boebert celebrated) were undoubtedly relieved to hear this. At least it won't cost a fortune to raise the children they weren't prepared to have to begin with.

This curious columnist consulted the internet to investigate the phenomenon of overly-expensive birth control. A visit to the Planned Parenthood website yielded the following information:

"Prices vary depending on whether you have health insurance, or if you qualify for Medicaid or other government programs that cover the cost of birth control pills. For most brands, one pill pack lasts for one month, and each pack can cost anywhere from $0 to $50."

Hmmm. Let's assume that you are someone without health insurance. Birth control purchased at the top of the price range would cost you $600 per year. That's a lot of money for people at the bottom of the economic ladder, so perhaps having and raising a child could be an exercise in cost-cutting. Would it be possible to raise a child for less than $600 per year? Back to the internet I flew.

I learned that the annual cost of raising a child is somewhere between $16,000 and $17,000. It does not take a math wizard to see that this sum is much larger than $600. Being a creative person by nature, this information inspired me to think outside the box and consider how one would go about raising a child for less than the cost of birth control.

Here are a few suggestions for raising your child on a shoestring:

1. Avoid the $22,000 price tag for having a hospital birth by going into your backyard and delivering your child on top of a pile of fresh grass clippings. It is not uncommon for women in some parts of the world to give birth in the field and then return to their agricultural work, so after your child is born, feel free to continue mowing the lawn.

2. Expensive disposable diapers can be replaced by newsprint. As soon as you’ve finished reading your daily edition of The Eagle, diaper the baby with the Sports section and duct tape. Throughout the day, you can avail yourself of the Business section, the classifieds and the News section. Save the editorials for the last change of the day in case you want to reread the opinion pieces — especially on Thursdays.

3. Your milk is free! Take advantage of significant savings by breastfeeding your children until they graduate from high school, at which point they can get a job and fend for themselves.

4. Children do not require fancy furniture. Infants can be perfectly comfortable sleeping in the bathroom sink, can graduate to a dresser drawer as they mature, and when they no longer fit in a drawer can sleep on the floor — which is just like a super-firm mattress, except it's free.

5. Since child care is ridiculously expensive, make your children comfortable in the supply closet at work. Don't forget to put a pan of water there to keep them hydrated. In five years, you’ll be able to send them to school during the day and then you can put the mops, brooms and copy paper back where they belong.

6. Just because your friends tell you that children require medical and dental care doesn't mean you have to believe them. Decayed teeth and rampant viruses are nature's way of building strong immune systems or, alternatively, weeding out the weak. Win-win!

7. College is completely unnecessary.

I am sure that there are financial aspects of child-rearing that I have failed to consider; therefore, I am throwing down the gauntlet and challenging my readers to suggest cost-cutting measures of their own.

When a comprehensive list has been assembled, it will be provided to Rep. Boebert so that she can post it in the "helpful hints for all the women I would force into parenthood" section of her official website.

It takes a village!

Vickie Shufton is the school psychologist for Berkshire Hills Regional School District and Richmond Consolidated School. She can be reached at [email protected].